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My grandparents could have seen their beloved daughter live out her beautiful life, instead of mourning her every day until their deaths. Her brothers and sisters would not still thirty years later feel the pain of losing the sistre they loved so much.
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She could have continued to bring the light to the world that she had always brought, that I have heard so much about. My father perhaps would not have descended into the grief & guilt that destroyed him, our relationship with him, the innocence of our childhoods. Now, I think about how my young nieces & nephews will grow up without her, without the kind of grandmother I had. I grew up in the devastation of her death. I've watched the consequences of it play out for thirty years. I can see what might have been differently if she'd had a true choice and it snatches my breath away, to see the suffering that didn't have to be for the ones I love most. I know that it is not my family, but it is also profoundly difficult to know that it is because of me. I wish I could know that she knew that that was more than ok.ĭon't I want to be here? Don't I want to be alive, aren't I glad to live? Or to be more exact, because the world did not allow my mother her right to a true choice, and my being here is perhaps a result of that. But had I never been, what would I have lost? Nothing. Can't lose anything when you never existed.
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I didn't exist to hope or wish or fear anything. Not me, any more than a sperm was me or an egg was me. My mother wouldn't have taken anything from me or cause me any pain by living for herself, because I didn't exist to lose anything. There was so much pain, so much loss in losing her. So I will say to my dying breath, as the person who only lives because she didn't abort, that whatever she thought or chose or did not chose, she should have had a real choice to abort.